Reinterpretation of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs

BY SHREYA SREEKUMAR

Once upon a time, in a kingdom where everyone had terrible decision-making skills, a queen pricked her finger while scrolling through medieval TikTok (which was just staring at a tapestry really hard) and wished for a daughter who was pale as snow, had hair black as night, and was basically the perfect kid for any family vlogger. Thus, Snow White was born.

Unfortunately, the Queen died of Plot Convenience Syndrome, and Snow White’s dad remarried the most unhinged woman in the kingdom, who had an actual sentient mirror that enabled her worst impulses. Every day, this mirror fed her TikTok-level affirmations like, “You’re a 10, bestie,” until one day, it hit her with, “Nah, Snow White is hotter now.” She took this very personally.

Instead of therapy, the Queen went full murder mode and sent some sad guy with a knife to kill Snow White. However, this guy had one (1) brain cell and immediately folded, letting Snow White run off into the forest like an unsupervised toddler.

After surviving a spooky forest montage, Snow White stumbled upon a tiny, chaotic Airbnb run by seven men with the collective hygiene of a high school locker room. They had names like Dopey, Sleepy, and probably Tax Evasion-y. Snow White, instead of questioning her life choices, started cleaning their house unprompted, which made them so happy they just let her stay forever.

Meanwhile, the Evil Queen found out Snow White was still alive thanks to her snitching mirror. Instead of sending an assassin again, she disguised herself as an old lady and personally delivered an unwashed apple, which Snow White ate immediately because she had no sense of danger. Naturally, she passed out.

Fast forward to some prince who was just there for no reason. He saw a suspiciously preserved corpse in the woods and thought, “Y’know what? Time for a smooch.” The kiss woke Snow White up because of reasons, and instead of reporting him for pedophilia and necrophilia-adjacent behavior, she married him on the spot.

As for the Evil Queen? She got invited to their wedding and was forced to dance in hot iron shoes until she died, because medieval justice was wild.

The end.